went to see bad education last night. lots of bumming. and dirty priests. reminded me of school. then went out for a few glasses and accidentally did 'video killed the radio star' at karaoke.
have spotted that i dont get many comments. so i think you should decide what my next post should be about. maybe challenge my writing. and produce some ideas. what do you think?

OK I have assessed the new 'arrivals'.
In alphabatical order:
Ahmed. He will wonder very quickly why he volunteered for this, will be voted out pretty quickly and not missed. Probably do really crap at the tasks.
Emma. Irritating air head. Meant to be the new Jade but arent we tired of thick people in the UK? Might get around half way as she will be liked in there.
Daniel. Seems quite cool. Natural leader. Will have a barney with victor but generally a sensible one.
Kitten. Sad. Thinks shes grown up at 24 but acts more like a four year old. Doesnt know enough to win arguments so tries to rebel, which back fired brilliantly last night. My fave bit so far her asking twice for the group to tell her what the task was and 11 people ignoring her.
Jason. Very close together small eyes.
Michelle. Dark haired geordie who likes porn. Now where have you heard that before? Will most likely 'gan in the huff and give oot hacky looks'.
Marco. More like a theatrical character than a real life person. Will be quite funny to watch, but squirmishly so.
Nadia. He/she. Winner.
Stuart. Thinks hes gods gift. There are other people out there who got four A's at A-Level. Will regret saying that cos it makes him look like a twat and also he didnt understand the first task. Thickie!!!
Shell. The dark horse. This years Nush. Most likely to shag.
Vanessa. Token sex object, confirmed by first front page news story of her and Man U 'star'.
Victor. Mr Schlong. I really do want to see how long it is. Get it out!!!

like greta garbo, "I want to be alone"
its bank holiday time. traditionally that time of year when everyone is away doing things and i am left on my own. so i planned a few things, like a little girls night for the beginning of big brother and last ever friends. we were supposed to be going out, but for one reason or another it was abandoned. so i suggested a night in with tv and take away.
i didnt realise how tired i would be yesterday, emotionally and mentally, as well as physically. so when the ending of friends was so typically 'nice' and 'hollywood' i just couldnt take it. and i was with people. i just wanted to die. the way things are portrayed on tv like that is so unrealistic. i wish it was like real life. she would have got on the plane and never come back. one of the twins would have died or the mam would have demanded one back. it doesnt make me happy.
decided today i wouldnt go to yoga as i hated it last week. the teacher was rubbish. and the pilates teacher is much better and can go to that sunday morning instead.
so was trying to get through my to do list. managed to get most of my job application done and then i was trying to put my pictures up, but the pins seemed to weak to go in the wall. i had stupidly put tarka the otter on and within ten minutes i was bawling my eyes out. my whole existence seemed pointless. and then i couldnt stop. great day. even palace winning nearly set me off again.
i cant go into all the reasons but basically lots of things arent right for me. and i'm running out of the will to live for most of them. so not really in a sociable mood. have considered taking my blog down as its not happy so nobody will like it. but then its here for me, so havent. yet.

hi
my sunglasses are in heat magazine this week. apparently i have the style of sienna miller, jude laws new bit of stuff. ok.
am depressed i am not feeling any after effects of the spinning, even though i was very worn out.
its the start of big brother tonight and we're having a girlie night in. am convinced this year will be the year when someone i know will be in it. could even be a blogger.
went out for a few drinks after work last night as it was a couple of peoples leaving do. anyway the poshest girl in the office told us about this web site. very funny.
so tired its unbelievable. at least its going to be 21 degrees on sunday so lots of pink sunloungering, pics probably. far too many things to do tomorrow.

i saw neil pearson on the tube on tuesday. stared at him for ages cos i didnt know whether it was him or not. btw he got off at clapham common.
did spinning today. twas quite hard. am already seeing some small improvements in the 'physique de minnow' which is good. am not hurting as much as last week which i am not pleased about. see how my thighs are tomorrow after the spinning.... its swimming tomorrow too, wonder if fit bloke will be in he hasnt been there the past few days.
have found out a couple of things about work that just seem really unnecessary and evil basically
so have got my reading list and also funding helpsheet for 'the plan'.... and a big to do list for the weekend. come on you eagles!!!
ps read bykersinks post about the recent US beheading. although i dont think it was about timing i do think a couple of rumours around this are interesting........

'all new blogger' seems to be having a few hissy fits.....
glad to see the rest of the UK has followed my lead and dumped boring eastenders.
its handy when i get advance warnings of the silly plots coming up so if you dont want to know, look away now......
Kelly and Spencer have a brief fling before she leaves
Walford to go travelling.

Sonia and Martin Get Married

Dot Battles Cancer as everyone rallies round her. As she gets
the all clear another Albert Square resident passes away.

Alfie sleeps with Little Mo after Kat sleeps with Andy.

Lynne has a baby girl, but is killed in a car crash shortly
after giving birth, leaving Gary to bring up the baby (little
Lynn??!!) alone.

Zoe and Dennis continue there fling but soon starts giving
the eye to other women - Dens wife , Chrissy.

We discover Den has been having an affair with Jan (The
woman he was cheating on with Angie) even when he was dead in Spain (Must have
been via web-cam - js)

Kathy returns from South Africa (Once she has done footy
wives) and tells Ian that she and her hubby have split - Den sees a
opportunity but Dennis may be in there first.

Ian's Son Stephen returns (4 years older than when he left)
to announce he is gay.

Andy con's Sam out of Everything , The Snooker Club, The Arches The
House and.... THE VIC. (Dum Dum Dum Dum....)

Alfie and Kat are homeless and Jobless.

Sam asks Den for help but he laughs in her face - The
Mitchell's are where they belong.. In the Gutter! Sam contemplates Suicide
and tells her family that everything is tickety Boo.

Kelly Returns to Walford...with a Baby.

Sharon finds out Dennis slept with Kathy and leaves Walford.

Kenny Beale arrives in Walford and Pat remembers the good
old days, and a surprise visitor - Michelle Fowler & Son & Husband.

Alfie takes Pity on Sam but she refuses his help - so he makes
a phone Call.

Den offers Andy 500k for the Pub - Andy accepts the offer.
They Toast there deal in he Vic, However standing at the doorway is
Grant, Phil & Peggy (If Ross Kemp Signs no new deal with ITV. Not sure how they are going to explain Phil's
return he is on the run from a 10 stretch)

Phil and Dennis fight over the Vic and Kathy. Grant however
has issues with one man - Andy. There row ends in Andy's death.

Sharon Returns to be reunited temporary with Grant - however
on discovery that she had an abortion - Grant finishes with her.
Sharon leaves again. Grant discovers he has a son with Michelle.

the ferrariers house is burnt down and they all die and are
buried in the same 'Special' 50 min Episode - they are never mentioned
again.

I SAW LUKE PERRYS ARSE LAST NIGHT!!!
yeah went to see when harry met sally, guess who's phone went off half way through second half? twas moi. no-one ever calls me and then a mysterious call at 9.30ish monday evening. not good.
the play however was good. if you like luke perry then he is excellent in this. if you know alyson hannigan from 'american pie' then shes lot like that. some silly bird at half time was complaining about her voice. i really wanted to say 'there was one time at band camp.......'
have marked in the calendar now six weeks after i started the gym so i have like a review date. did swimming yesterday, 35 mins of alternating breast stroke and front crawl and five warm down mins of breatsstroke. it was very busy but the incredibly fit guy who works downstairs was working out. a mini incentive.
did pilates today and she really worked my abs, great teacher.
news for fabio and hans, I finally finished the northern lights.
another one of my work mates is leaving on friday. the number of people here i like and who go out is dwindling fast, now there are only four that will go out after work. makes me jealous as i still need to either save or win you say we pay to execute the plan......

well i guess there are some people that do say the right things! however i'm still in the same situation as yesterday, still single, still lonely and still upset but thats not going to change for a while.
i'm now obsessed with exercising. i just think that i will feel happier with the eventual results. never felt like this before, maybe its some kind of weird backlash. but i am trying to do as much as possible, even tho i am sore everyday now. its like when youre trying not to mention something, and you end up thinking about it all the time, eventually making a tit of yourself by saying the wrong thing. so exercising is filling the void, numbing the pain, taking my mind off things. and i think it might bridge the gap, amke someone like me. make the difference. probably wont work but i'll feel mentally better, i hope.
yoga yesterday was turd. the teacher the worst ever. then went to go shoe shopping and tk maxx was closed, all the shoe shops didnt have what i wanted and the present i wanted for my mate seemed to be sold in another shut shop. managed to get some shoes for work. need to go to covent garden for the shoes for the wedding. and a different shop had a present in for my mate, so rescued that situation.
am confused now to watch either most haunted or hells kitchen. probably ghosts.
everyone who i tell about my new career is being really supportive, which is nice. i quite looking forward to being away for a year, although will be down plenty of weekends. i just need the strength to hang in there, and its monday tomorrow......damn.

i dont think ive been this upset for a long time. about five years to be exact.
i cant do anything or think of anything or watch anything without being reminded of him. its torture. and i cant speak to him. i can text, email, phone or even send an old fashioned letter and i know there will be no answer or reply. i wish it was like the movies where persistence pays off instead of real life where it labels you a stalker freak.
and nobody can help. nothing they can say will make me feel better. no cups of tea or nights out or adversion tactics, suggestions for something to take my mind of things.
i just cant stop crying. it doesnt even make me feel better or worse. the whole thing just doesnt make sense. i dont think ive ever felt so alone or so hurt.
and i am an ungrateful cow cos nothing else is worth looking forward to. and i dont want any sympathy either cos you shouldnt feel sorry for me. its my own fault for falling for someone and not getting over it.
and its so stupid that my favourite bridget jones saying is that she would either die alone in her flat and found four days later eaten by alsations or become glenn close and im hovering inbetween one or the other.

i really am getting boring.......plans for this weekend are very low key.... couple of bbqs, yoga, present and shoe shopping, tidy house.
seems yesterdays post brought more than two comments. being a lady in 2004, i think its healthy to have a desire for shagging. in fact recently i was surprised to hear about a girl who didnt like sex at all. for me i could quite easily spend all weekend at it. i love lying in bed too. my mates dont and cant understand why i do. seems the blokes like lie-ins too. maybe i'm half male. cos i like football. and i can do diy. i read viz. etc. mmm.
prawn, pineapple and tomato curry tonight with brown rice. maybe a beer to accompany it. there i go being blokeish again. tsk.
might even do some camera work with bloggybotty or whatever it is if i get the chores done.

well that was a bit of timing!
managed to do five mins warm-up breaststroke, 35 mins combo of front crawl and breaststroke then five mins warm-down breaststroke. and then back home avec cous cous y petit pois before the rain has lashed it down, watering my patio plants and cleaning the paving for me. tra-la!
am now hello bloggerbotted up. just need to get going with the camera again. in the mean time holiday photos are on the photo pages, eyes right.
got a voucher here that entitles me to £50 off a two night break at a spa hotel. now if i had a bf that would mean £60 each for two nights away, dinner and breakfast included. damn. shagfest needs to be redeemed before end of august.

ah been so bored forgot i hadnt actually written my own post today.
double episode of ER tonight. goodee as multiple drinks sessions next week make me short of pocket and so must attain some resting on the sofa this week.
annoyed cos spinning class was booked up today. good job trusty swimming is available anytime.
have complimented myself (oddly whilst looking in the mirror) that i have suceeded in not only creating an exercise timtable that fits in with my likes and dislikes it also does a different part of the body each day. marvellous.
so we have mondays, swimming. general all over body fat remover but specifically arms and shoulders.
tuesdays pilates. from experience so far the abs are still hurting so core body toning.
wednesdays swimming again, maybe a little skipping when i get home which is for le calves
thursdays, class permitting, is spinning. defo full workout for legs here, mainly thighs
friday the day of restage
saturday yoga, works out whole body but also the mind.
just took a small look at the tax return form and then decided my head hurt just from one page. better plan shopping trip on saturday instead, much nicer.

for anyone who is interested french maid night is on my photopage.....

dont you just love it when exactly what you want pops up right infront of you? it happened to me yesterday. i attended my first pilates class, which i thought compared to yoga seemed a bit of a doddle. lots of quite gentle exercising really, but wasnt doing it all the time cos i had to look to see what i was meant to be doing by looking at the destructor.
anyway got home and was thinking, maybe i need a little book to tell me about how to do pilates, like wot i got for yoga. it helps so when its class next time i get more out of it.
then i was doing some tidying up of my pile of magazines, when i came across a Now! health and fitness supplement. and low and behold two pages of basic pilates movements that we had done class. bueno.
and have had sore abs today so it works without me knowing. suddenly am hooked on going every week..... and theres a class thursday nights......
been very busy today. said out loud that i didnt want to be there and could i have a million pounds please. got very stressed, even though non of it wasnt worth getting stressed about. did manage to get 40 mins in the sun.
have worked out i am out every night next week. bad planning min.

> ooh first email post lets see how its works.
>
> right monumental news. someone who I totally agree with. only problem is he's now dead. I am reading 'Last chance to see' by Douglas Adams of Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy fame. This is his book about his zoological expeditions to see nearly extinct animals around the globe. Its a) very funny b) about my favourite subject and c) recommended reading for my next adventure.
> the first exert I'd like to share with you is my exact opinion about religion, but he manages to put it much better than me:
> don't like the idea of missionaries. in fact the whole business fills me with fear and alarm. I don't believe in god, or at least not the one we've invented for ourselves in England to fulfil our peculiarly English needs and certainly not in the ones they've invented in America who supply their servants with toupees, television stations and most importantly toll-free telephone numbers. I wish that people who did believe in such things would keep them to themselves and not to export them to the developing world. sums it up quite nicely.
> last thing go palace! cant wait for toon vs eagles at selhurst park and well done for smashing the smelly mackams.
>
>

well I have done quite a few things in the past few days but not everything i wanted to.
Firstly I am now a qualified first aider. only at work tho, and if your a friend, dont want you suing my ass off for not bandaging you quick enough etc. i was scared as everyone passed, and there was a couple in there that i wouldnt let put a winnie the pooh plaster on me. i got my own first aid kit today as well. it even had an electronic thermometer and a foil blanket. fab.
we've booked france! well a cottage in the loire valley. its got a pool and hot tub yay!! we're inbetween tours and poitiers so if anyone has any recommendations. its going to be fab.
I joined the downstairs gym today. and the fit guy who works there gave me my towels. definitely the best incentive ever to get fit. might go twice a day now. its better than work anyway. so punished myself by doing 45 mins of swimming mainly breaststoke but a bit of front crawl too. tomorrow its pilates which i havent done before but its not a million miles away from yoga so should be interesting.

do you ever fell like you dont know whats going on?
i dont know i went out tonight to make myself feel better but have ended up very confused. I found myself explaining to someone that i have been in london for five and a half years and kind of frightening myself at the same time. it was wrong and yet i hadnt realised it till then. not properly. i suppose it was a minor blacklash to the course. i hadnt really interacted with people from london in an everyday capacity apart from work and friends. this lot were different. all walks of life. just chugging along.
i had the pleasure of performing first aid on this guy who really looked ten months pregnant, smelled of stale wee and was so lonely he had to butt into everyones conversation with his expert knowledge, which ranged from oxy-acetalyne blow torches to on-line printer inks. he worked for the inland revenue and liked it. in my eyes he gets the full 100 points of saddo.
then we had two guys involved with the army, TA or otherwise. i mentioned i had been on the anti-war rallies and that to me its not about the people of iraq its about the bush re-election machine. they didnt get it. the last gulf war they spent around $600 billion and the same year spent $60 billion on aid for poor countries. they talked about how saddam only let them have electricity once a week. 40% of the worlds population dont have electricity ever. what are doing about zimbabwe? absolutely nothing. yet theres talks about imposing sanctions against Antigua if they introduce the death penalty. and what about texas etc.......do they get sanctions?
i get told that if i dont like this country so much then to leave. i agree. i dont know what i am doing here at all apart from i need more moeny first to leave and i'm scared to do it on my own. all my friends are here. the ones i trust. the ones who pick me up when i'm looking for which depressing DVD to watch.
i made the best pizza ever tonight. get one pizza base. spread wild rocket pesto over the base. top with sunblush tomatoes, goats cheese and red onions. yummy. might make it for you sometime if your lucky.
god even my favourite programme is going down the pan. its kind of like i left my heart somewhere and i cant find it. i had it and i kind of didnt realise id lost it, not that anyone really knew i had one. they had to be special to see it or know it. and now ive lost it. its out in some bar, some train, some pavement. and the strange thing is i dont want it back. well not yet. realising it was missing was bad enough. finding it again might just tip me over, i'm not ready for that. maybe someone will hand it in to the police. funny how we all imagine that that would really happen........

how come when your thinking about someone suddenly everything reminds you of them? its highly irritating and upsetting.
have learnt so much over the past three days at first aid its incredible. am examining ER for any tips and observations that i have been taught. theyre doing epilepsy which we did today. cool.
have a list as long as my arm to do in the house. find i need to write everything down. i am having quite a few holidays this year. so need to complete madrid arrangements for our weekend away. then i'm going to reading on saturday to book france. its ten years since we all met on our uni course so we're going for brie and plonk a la gite or camping just sud der paris. then off to namibia in october and no doubt will still have three weeks of holiday left...
am being taken in by every advert going. first of all thought yop would be a good idea, after being bombarded with that song every morning i thought it might be easier to fit into my morning routine. then i saw the new johnson cream which thins your hair so they disappear or something. now just seen shape yoghurt with vitamins and everyones doing all the yoga positions that i cant do. so am sold. weak or what? its sainsies day tomorrow.....

wrote blog then pc shut down, *annoyed*
what is it with j-lo? apart from having a huge rear? is she collecting rings for her own jewellery store? shes managed to get married twice and now engaged again. she seems to have an incredible ability to get the men to shell out on compressed carbon for her, what is her secret? i mean i'm a chef in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom and still have no sparkly pieces.
more first aid today. more bandages.
we drew in the footie so no champions league. although if we win at anfield and villa win then maybe we can stop the scousers getting 4th.

i really need to re-organise my links but am just too tired.
have been on the first day of first aid training today. although very useful and interesting its quite intensive. its all bit dads army as if deepest darkest croydon is some backwards backwater where techonolgy and time stood still. where the facilities for dinner were the local sandwich shop or the cafe. no chance of anything healthy. seemed ironic on a course meant to be life saving and dealing with heart attacks.
so i'm learning how to be safe, how to do CPR and recovery positions. my favourite is bandages. i dont think the method of delivering the training has changedc for 30 years apart from using a projector for slides and a few videos that are so comedy its distracting.
i thought great a few days out of the office, but it seems that no-one can cope without me and its hard to just get away, so much has to be done before and afterwards to enable me to escape. its not as if i have big accounts either....
saw a really sad piece of tv yesterday. a lioness had adopted a baby oryx for 17 days, both of them starving as she couldnt hunt well alone and the calf deprived of its mothers milk. but they depended on each other and were affectionate. then a lion picked off the calf when it was so weak it could hardly walk and she did try and rescue it. she ended up adopting another 5 calves until she disappeared. she didnt have any other lions as companions. kind of know how she felt.

right so everyone else has blogged about the 'meet so i am compelled to 'conform' plus in slighty more stable state to type.
wasnt scared of meeting new people, especially as i feel you get a certain 'vibe' from certain blogs but was relieved to meet up with my mate of ten years and his boss before we got anywhere near de hems. although having actually never even spoken to hans before but have been msning for over six months he is more scouse than i thought. but not thick or thieving. just scouse. it was good to finally see irl what the geezer was like.
then i met fluffy, who seems actually very fluffy and organised despite what she thinks. i met em, but having never really read her blog, didnt have much to say. think she was a bit tired from the day before.
and legomen is doctor who. i thought he was going to be very odd, after all he glues his genitals and flambes his kids clothes. but he was kind of odd in a nice childrens characters way, replacing his scarf or stick of celery for an odd shaped beer glass and a camera that he couldnt operate. now where was K-9?
so we plunged into the opening gut of the dutch pub and there was already a small gathering forming. needless to say i spoke to most people but not all. who was that jeff jones guy? i asked who he linked to and he replied he was in his own little world, and i immediately executed an escape plan.
witho thinks i was cool, but she was way more cool with her water bottle and cat bag. if she had worn the pink hair i would have had to leave cos the competition would have been won.
there was a presumption from comments that there would be a little drinking clique, recreating university days where shots made up appetisers for main courses. but actually kev and mav seemed mostly harmless even tho kev said i was quiet, i think it has become apparent why, but i do get loud sometimes.and bridget was very chipper for a hungover bird.
i hope i havent caused offence but its the minnow version of the blog. needless to say me and ray ended up having a good old chin wag at close of play and that was good. he might not be frightened of nodnol now.

ooh bloggers all new! got a little confused.
spent yesterday getting trollyed again as dont have anything better to do and it helps block some of the crap out.
doesnt help when work and et al start giving you grief aswell.
and we lost to wolves, made even worse by shearer missing a pen.
am going to have to start my own project revenge and have brought the day forward to saturday. new gym new me.
everythings a bit like kicking you when youre already down.

i feel shit.
i grew up in a catholic house and school. i found jesus and that lot wasnt for me, but one point stuck in my head. treat others as u would like to be treat yourself. i believed that one. i thought it was fair. but life isnt fair and it comes back to bite you all the time.
when you get this low nothing any one else says can make any difference. tomorrow is lock down day. i need it. no outside. no tv. no phone. no computer.
i dont think anyone has ever hurt me this much before.

lock- down.
i really wish the blogmeet was next weekend. at least i have a tan. wondering what to wear. to be honest so much has gone on in the last ten days that i cant cope. they say that you cant have everything right out of home love and job, one always isnt working. at the moment non out of three isnt fair. i know that ultimately its my fault. the job hasnt been great for two years, but an easy ride for the money. i think the rides about to get a little more bumpy and possibly break down soon.
as for everything else i need to get the flat valued. but i'm on the first aid course next week. maybe saturday. and need to apply for new job. quick smart.
love life is kind of weird. it was around 6 and then i made bad mistake on wednesday and back down to 2. still better than 0 but am gutted. totally ilford.
i love mushrooms. and my lips have been so dry since back from holiday. weird.
been pottering around trying to sort everyday stuff. am well pleased my oriental tree has lots of new green leaves when i thought i had killed it.will get some pics going when i have organised new pc with cd driver i left in office. really need some more pots. to do potting whilst pottering.